As often as not, we hear the offhand slang in a conversation among men ‘I fucked her’. The attitude behind this slang sounds derogatory towards a female partner.
If a man had sex with a woman, can it be implied that the woman also had sex with the man, considering it is consensual? In an ideal situation, sex is supposed to be pleasurable and satisfactory for both the partners.
However, given the dominance of men over women in our society, it can be inferred that men get the pleasure they need while women are left unsatisfied, often. Perhaps, the whole act of heterosexual intercourse usually revolves around the orgasm of a man. Probably, it has become a part of the unrealised practice.
How many women have had an orgasm every time they had sex? Most of the instances, women were left unsatisfied due to their lack of say in sex and their partners often lose interest in sex as soon as they orgasm.
Perhaps, that’s why the slang goes ‘man fucked woman’ and not the other way around most of the time. Seldom, women experience pleasure or satisfaction from intercourse. In many cases, women find themselves submissive to their partners, in bed. Can this be called sex between partners even if it is consensual? Let’s forget about the discordant, forced and emotional; exploitative sexual relations.
One of my friends shared, ‘in ten years of her married relation she never has an orgasm’. She says in the initial years of marriage we used to have physical relations frequently, but he used to quit as soon as he came. Our frequency of intercourse has been reduced as our family has grown but even today, he desserts me on the bed after he is finished’.
Isn’t it dismaying? Can’t we categorise this as disregard of someone’s natural desires or physical needs?
In an article in Medical News Today, published in the year 2017 – “A comprehensive analysis of 33 studies over 80 years found that during vaginal intercourse just 25 per cent of women consistently experience an orgasm, about half of the women sometimes have an orgasm, 20 per cent seldom or ever have orgasms and about 5 per cent never have orgasms.
Another friend said how he never used to think about his physical relationship with his partners as mutual pleasure but only his. Once, his former partner told him what she likes to do to feel aroused, it was the most fulfilling lovemaking he experienced ever.
This made him understand sex is about equal involvement of both partners and intimacy matters.
Years ago, being in a physical relationship with one of my friends, I remember my friend taught me more about sex than I knew already. I savoured it that she was vocal about sex. She led us the way where we both could derive utmost pleasure. In the many passionate moments, she used to insist orgasm, without that we wouldn’t complete, even if I am tired or she is fertile. If she is fertile in that period, as a precaution we wouldn’t use to have vaginal intercourse, even with protection. Such mutual understanding gave us many other ways for mutual joy and satisfaction.
It must be also be realised that sexual intercourse is not all about orgasm, fulfilling sex lives exist with shared intimacies that don’t involve orgasm every time.
As Kahlil Gibran in ‘On Love and Marriage’ wrote – Let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed! Love one another but make it not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls”.
The writer is an Independent Social Documentary Photographer. His work focuses on human and life development stories. Earlier he has worked with Hindustan Times.
